Whose Child is This? (A Virtual Journal Entry)

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I've been away, neglecting my work and self. I was gone for too long, so long, in fact, that I almost forgot who I was and what I enjoyed. I'm still figuring all that out, who isn't? I broke up with my isolation and fell in love with a beautiful girl. I made severe, necessary life changes. The world is still spinning in 2016. I'm listening to more Folk and Indie music, and I find myself writing in all forms; every ... single ... day. Have you ever heard the song Tenebaum by The Paper Kites? It's the sort of music that you can't really hate, but could easily enjoy without hearing a single word of the lyrics. It's what I write to now. It's what I live to; the soundtrack to my life kind of thing. I live in a world where Karma seems to be testing me. How many bad things can occur before I snap and do a bad thing. Please... Understand, I am not trying to do anything bad to anyone. I'm not trying to make mistakes. Who is? Who wants to feel repercussions from a mistake? I don't.

I've been away, neglecting my creations. I actually had a friend watch one of them for me while I became someone. She took great care of it, made it something of her own. Then, life happened and we both lost track of it. I stumbled upon my lost creation on a whim of desperation for emotional expression. It was like seeing my child for the first time in years after being raised by someone else; it was unrecognizable. I tried to pick up where I left off and I realized that wasn't in the cards. I couldn't force this child to accept me as its guardian again. I learned I had to approach it genuinely, with all pain on both sleeves and instead of being a father, I first needed to be a friend. I ruined it long ago. I bit off a little more than I could chew, and I wasn't prepared to take on such responsibilities. I wish I could make up for lost time, I'd be better for it.

I've been here for everyone, I've been neglected, no actions required, no efforts reciprocated, no hard feelings. I'm not asking for a thank you. I'm not asking for my time or care back. Those are things you lose trying to prove to other people they're important while you die inside every second of the day. Do you know how difficult it is to feel like everyone's problems, lives, situations, everything, is more important than yours? Where you feel the need to give and give and give and fucking give when people gladly take, because no matter how many times they ask or what they even ask for, you'll give it to them because you care and want them to realize they're important. There is no pain in my soul. It has been neglected by all and I've been left to repair the damages on my own. I've learned, there are no I O Us in life. Life owes me nothing and I owe it to life for teaching me this. I've not really grown as a person, I've just realized I do too much. I don't want to do less. I'll continue to give. But I understand that I will not get anything back for it, or at least I won't expect anything back for it.


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