This is a public apology..
Fuck... You.. Seriously you've managed to piss me off to a point I've never reached in my nineteen years of existing. All because of love. All because of a misunderstanding, conflicting upbringings, and a generational flaw in functionality (on my part). Yes... I'm blaming the world. Yes... I'm blaming society. And yes, I'm doing what a majority of the population does by blaming everything they possibly can as a result of their actions or whatever.
So yeah... I said fuck you. I dunno what it means. I said it because, well, I guess it's something people say to other people when they are really frustrated or upset. I don't know if it even has a true meaning but it managed to hurt you pretty badly. I never understood why words hurt so much, they are just words that the world gives power to. Maybe the world could tell me what it means and why it seemed to have hurt you so badly. The difference from me and the people of planet Earth (granted there are infinite differences, this one is circumstantial) is that I don't want to mean the blame that I placed in the world. I don't want to believe in the blame. The blame is simply a placeholder for maturity lack thereof. My lack of an abundance of qualities that some would consider an "adult" to possess. I'm nineteen. I’m a teenager. We suck at everything but texting, tweeting, and blogging. I apologize for sucking.
I apologize for being bad at apologizing. The word ‘Apologize’ itself sounds so rehearsed, so barren. It reminds me of when I looked into that little girl’s eyes who wanted kill herself. Her skin so lived in, so familiar with a razor, but with newer, stronger skin formed over areas where blood once seeped from. The little girl had such an understanding of the world around her and as I looked into her grey, lifeless eyes, I asked if she would regret leaving anyone behind. She responded, “I apologized to everyone that I felt would be affected by my death, but I wasn’t sorry for wanting to die. I wasn’t sorry that I was the way I was.” I guess what I took from that encounter was, there’s a difference between apologizing and being sorry: apologizing is something we do, while, sorry is something we feel.
I didn’t understand what you were trying to tell me. I didn’t understand why I don’t understand why you are the way you are after knowing you for so long. I didn’t know how to accept the fact that I don’t understand. And I just want to. I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I shouldn't have told you to leave me the fuck alone. I shouldn’t have hurt you and pushed you away because of my pain in failing to understand you. Wow… I’m truly sorry for shoving you off the 300 foot high cliff into the mouth of a bleeding hot volcano of our relationship’s demise. The ink is smudging. My tears keep finding their way onto the paper. Your heart is bleeding because of my razorblade of a tongue and simple incompetence. And… well…Wait, new skin can’t grow on a heart, can it? Goodness, what have I done? You’re lost. You’re gone. You’re dying and it’s all my fault. Your heart can’t heal… You’re dying. All I can say is…
Here… Take mine.
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